" It is 9:58 and it is now. - Tomorrow at 3:00 it
will be now. - On my deathbed it will still be now.
Since it will always be now, learning to respond to now, is the only thing
there is to learn".
-----------THE CHANGES OF AGING....
One of the disquieting things about the changes that come with
aging, is how our images of ourselves contradict the reality. However much
we might feel like teenagers, or aggressive younger adults inside, our
bodies oftentimes contradict us at every turn with the passing years. The
older we get, the more likely we are to experience these moments of
"cognitive dissonance", when self-image and reality start to contradict
"Why can't I jog twice the length of the Lake like I used to 2 years ago,
and I'm minimized to a slower pace of one length with stop - overs in the
interim, being out of breath and pretending I'm fixing my sneakers laces
now? Who am I kidding"? Though this conflict is uncomfortable, it is a
clear window into the place where we are clinging, and where we need to
pay attention. Just as physical pain alerts us to troubles in the body,
mental pain on the other hand, alerts us to where we need to be more
conscious in our
And only in aging this process of mental alertness becomes more
intensified. It all goes with the territory.
-----------THE RELATIONSHIP MIRROR....
Only in relationship the process of what I am unfolds, does it not?
Relationship is a mirror in which I see myself as I am; but as most of us
on occasion do not like what we are, we begin to discipline, either
positively or negatively, what we perceive in the mirror of relationship.
That is, I discover something in a relationship, and I do not like it. So,
I begin to modify what I don't like, ..what I perceive as being uncalled
for or unpleasant. I want to change it--which means I already have a
pattern of what I should be. The moment there is a pattern of what I
should be, there is no comprehension of what I am. The moment I have a
picture of what I want to be, or what I should be, or what I ought to
be--a standard according to which I want to change myself--then there is
no comprehension of what I am at the moment of relationship. I think it's
important to understand this,...for I think this is where most of us go
astray. As harsh as it may sound, we do not want to know what we actually
are at a given moment in a relationship. If we're concerned with
self-improvement, there is no comprehension of ourselves, of w h a t i s !
-----------CREATING YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE....
In "weighing" life as one gets older, one finds all the errors
and misjudgments one has made while "growing". It all comes suddenly in a
form of enlightenment. You suddenly start "getting it" and you want to
store it away in your mind's computer and are eager to begin practicing
what you blindly missed while you were "growing". The fact that you create
your own experience, you acknowledge and accept accountability in your
life. You understand your role in creating the results that are your life.
You learn how to choose better, so you have better.
The law is simple: You are accountable for your life,...good or bad,
successful or unsuccessful, happy or sad, fair or unfair, you own your
life. You are plainly accountable; you have always been accountable; you
will always be accountable. That's how it is. You do this, not some of the
time, but all of the time. If you don't like your job, you are
accountable. If your relationships are on the rocks, you are accountable.
If you are overweight, you are accountable. If you are unhappy, you are
accountable. Whatever your life circumstance is, accepting this truth
means that you can no longer dodge responsibility for how and why your
life is the way it is.
This is very important for one to see. It's crystal clear. It's important,
because if you don't accept accountability, you will misdiagnose every
problem you have. If you misdiagnose, you will mistreat. If you mistreat,
things won't get better,...plain and simple. Even if you think there can't
possibly be a link between your problems and yourself, keep digging for
your role in the problems. It's there!!
That's how the world works, like it or not,- then, your resisting or
denying this fact keeps you stuck in an...unreal realm.
By convincing yourself that you are a victim, you are guaranteed to have
no progress, no healing, and no victory.
Not acknowledging responsibility, will prevent you from taking the bull by
the horns, and going to work on controlling your life.
Then if you do acknowledge accountability and the fact that you create
your own experience, that means that you should be willing to ask yourself
some questions, like....
What did I do to contribute to the situation, so that it happened the way
Did I miss important warning signs?
Did I con myself because of my ego?
Did I fail to take needed action? If so, what was it?
Did I fail to treat myself with dignity and respect?
Did I overreact?
Do I need to stop certain behaviors and start using a new approach? or....uhhh....did
I fail to tell somebody to go jump in the lake?
The first woman in my life.
She was a lady of ladies.
Always loving, always well dressed...with
"the roaring twenties"
style of attire from hair style to high heel booties,
always lovingly warm, and giving, always sacrificing...she was a tender
soft individual with a heart of gold. The quality of her love was
overwhelming...and my memory of her is like an eternally burning candle in
my heart. My parents were financially comfortable in the old days, and
they could afford to spoil me. I was the only kid sent to school in a
hired horse drawn carriage,...and I remember having toys spread all over
my room. We
lived in Famagusta
until I was about 8 years old.
My father owned a Tourist Agency named "Faros". He was a kind soft spoken
gentleman, well educated,..and
his close friends
were mostly members of "aristocratic"
families...reminding one of the..."Great Gatsby" era of lifestyle. My
memory of him is just as warm and loving as is of my mother's.
There was not the slightest doubt that they were a perfectly matched
couple. He was a good father,...although stern and strict when my mother's
spoiling was getting me out of hand,..so there was definitely an awareness
of "balance" in my upbringing.
Suddenly....the 2nd world war broke out..and I remember seeing 'dog
fights' between British and German fighter planes in the skies of
Famagusta,... and explosions going off all over the main harbor and at
British military supply depots and installations around town. (Cyprus was
occupied by the British at the time). I remember sirens going off, and I
remember running into underground shelters filled with people until the
air raid was called off. I remember hurriedly having to evacuate the city
in the middle of the night, in a cow drawn carriage with a lantern
underneath, rocking to and fro...and projecting moving shadows that in my
young mind were scary.
I remember my mother crying in my father's arms, during the long
trip, and I remember me crying also,...because she was. We were headed
toward "Saint Elias" --the village in Famagusta district where my father
was born and brought up--. The trip lasted all night long, and parts of
the early morning. We arrived at my father's family's old village house--
which was vacant --as his parents passed away 3-4 years prior....and it
was scarcely being taken care of by my father's two older widow sisters in
the village. It was a huge house made of cement and clay on the
outside,.with carob and orange tree orchards in the back, and with an
empty chicken coop on the right side. I remember an "all men coffee shop"
in the village square, where men gathered, drinking turkish coffee and
smoking "nargile" from a Turkish glass cantor with charcoal on top, and
talking mostly about the daily events of the war. I remember that life in
the village was a lot different than what I was used to in the big City.
The people were a lot simpler, there were no cars, to speak of, and
transportation consisted of mule, or cow drawn carriages --very much like
the one we evacuated in--There was no electricity and there were oil lamps
and lanterns at night fall. Sugar and some other foods were rationed. I
was enrolled in
the village elementary school.
The village kids were poorly dressed and their mannerisms I thought of
being unpolished. I remember, reluctantly making new friends that were
"rustic" and rougher than the kids I hung out with in Famagusta,...and
they played games like.... putting a fork on the end of a long bamboo
stick, and "forking" baby sparrows in the nests high on the clay walls of
their houses,.. and they played games by torturing the little wild animals
that were caught in their home made traps by pouring alcohol on them,..
lighting them up with a match and letting them run loose until they
shriveled up to a little still ball.
I remember having bad nightmares at night,...dreaming of Germans
invading....lining up and killing people in the village square, and
capturing my parents as prisoners, and I'd wake up screaming in the middle
of the night. I remember my father caressing my forehead when I was sick
in bed with fever. I remember going hunting with him and couldn't keep up
with his long steps, and had to run behind him being out of breath. I
remember milking my aunt's goat straight into my mouth because I loved
I remember my mother making "pig's feet gelatin", cooking it in the back
yard in a huge pot --for hours--on an open fire. I remember her kneading
dough and making fresh bread which I loved eating the crusty edges all
around the round loaves.
I remember loving to eat home made noodles with carob syrup every Sunday
morning after coming back from the village church. I finally remember the
end of the war where everybody was hugging everybody else, and there were
celebrations and Greek patriotic songs sang by everyone,...and we finally
moved back to "civilization" in Famagusta.
I had unsuccessfully attempted "Astral Projection" several times
in the past, via the disciplines of self hypnosis through subliminal tapes
only to come to the conclusion that it may after all, not work for
everyone, until the experience I have had at around 2:30 am during a
sleepless night, when in my desperation to finally get some sleep, I had
decided to listen to Ludwig Beethoven's Appasionata Piano Sonata". (This
was one of his famous work which had a strong influence on many composers
of his time, such as Liszt, Mahler, Bruckner and Wagner, back in 1805).
Astral Projection is an OBE (out of body experience), and the work of the
awesome power of the subconscious mind, when one is in an alpha state of
consciousness, either when immediately after meditation, or when one is
"emptying out" of the daily concerns of life's routine, and is totally
consumed by listening to a favorite arrangement of musical composition
-such as I was doing at the time.
The subconscious mind is closely monitored and commanded by the soul. The
OBE literally moves and transports your awareness to unimaginable realms.
There is no "body" involvement whatsoever. It is just your "I" being
transported out of body and to territories oftentimes totally unknown to
you, varying from past life glimpses, flash backs, and encounters, to
present time scenarios that are attached to your paradigm's experiences.
The final destination of your out of body experience, is totally
unexpected. You are just an awareness traveling somewhere.
One cannot consciously engage the subconscious mind for purposes of being
"entertained" with an OBE in other realms of altered state of
consciousness. Marijuana won't cut it either! It has it's time and place
and it only reveals itself when one least expects it, depending on what
messages it wants to deliver to the personality's individuality. It works
hand in hand with the soul, and the sensibilities it delivers are always
insightful and have a direct effect on the intellect and the will of one's
individuality. It may give you glimpses of your past lives, or direct you
to certain experiences of your present life's past and/or present, that
need to be aligned with the soul, for purposes of "balance" and of more
peaceful and harmonious co-existence with the "self".
While being totally oblivious of the present and absorbed in listening to
"Appasionata"... I gradually find my awareness being in an epoch of the
French revolution during the Napoleonic wars. I see myself as a new kind
of artist who believes passionately in the French revolutionary ideals of
Liberty Equality, and Brotherhood. One who painted not just for the church
and aristocracy of the time, as most artists did before me, but for people
everywhere. It was the renaissance and I had an active role in it.
It was a poetic and romantic period. The music composers of that era, had
a sense of refinement and clarity which had an awesome cultural
evolutionary effect on the entire global society.
I live in what appears to be a modest country home in the suburbs of
Paris. I am not of young age, and I have an elderly looking wife with
indistinct facial characteristics. There are chickens and other livestock
in the huge treed yard, There is also a well nearby the stable, which
indicates that we must have owned a farm of some kind.
Beethoven's composition is now subliminally creating certain sad emotions
within me. I feel that there must have been some kind of a tragedy in my
household, although I am not quite sure whether it was a loss of a loved
one, or a great disappointment of something gone terribly wrong. I am
sitting next to a window which overlooks a pond or a lake, and there is an
overwhelming feeling of helplessness within. The sky looks gloomy and gray
with heavy clouds forming rapidly. There is a strong wind which bends the
trees back and forth. It seems like heavy rain is about to downpour any
minute. The thoughts and the feelings are there but I am not aware of the
body, as there is totally no physical sensation. It resembles to a dream,
although I am somehow convinced I was not dreaming.
Suddenly there is a distant background noise. Something like dishes
I had awaken at 8:00am...with some noise my wife was making in the kitchen
while making breakfast. Beethoven's cd was silenced, and the here and now
was as familiar as it always is on any given day in the movie of my
Was it really an OBE? .... or just a dream produced and directed by the
old subconscious mind and projected on my dream-state screen of awareness?
For the being of love, the process of memory must come to an end.
Memory comes into being only when experience is not fully and completely
understood. Memory is only the residue of experience; it's the result of a
challenge which is not fully comprehended. Life is a process of challenge
and response. Challenge is always new, but the response is ever old. This
response, which is conditioning, which is the result of the past, has to
be understood and not disciplined or condemned away. It means living each
day anew, fully and completely. This complete living is possible only when
there is love. When your heart is full, not with the words, nor with the
things made by the mind. Only where there is love, memory ceases;...then
there is a rebirth!.
-----------TO THERE AND BACK....
11.57:pm. I'm not on pot, or do drugs. I had just finished my
nightly meditation. I am in an alpha state, where I can tap into my
subconscious with very little effort. I am tuned to a rhythm of Universal
harmony. I imagine that I hear a clock chiming softly far away in the
background. It chimes twelve times and then fades. As it fades, I see
forming before me, a large ancient wooden door...the year of the door is
carved on the upper part. 1833. (These threes come a lot in my life). I am
standing before the door. I'm wearing a loose white shirt with baggy long
sleeves, black faded baggy pants, and pointed shoes with buckles. My
geographic location puts me somewhere on a Mediterranean Island. Cyprus?
Crete? Corfu? The door opens softly outward, spilling, beautiful purple
and blue misty lights, out and around me. I am surrounded by the colors of
rich deep blues and purples. The intense light, spirals around and around,
drawing me through the doorway.
My awareness is at it's highest peak.
I know I'm not dead or having an out of body experience. Again I hear a
distant clock chiming softly. As I step through the threshold, the door
closes slowly behind me. I am standing in a sea of blue and purple
spirals. Against the backdrop of spirals, I see a sun shining upon a tree.
As I look at that tree, I see how it reflects the passing of the seasons.
As the sun moves across the sky, the leaves begin to bud. Then they turn a
rich green, only to be painted with the colors of autumn, and then fall to
the ground. The bare branches of the tree are then covered with snow. Then
the snow melts, revealing the first buds of the spring.
Spring...summer...autumn...and winter. One season passes into another. One
year after another. They all follow the same pattern. They all have the
same rhythm and cycle....over and over again. Then the image of the sun
and tree fade in the mist of blue, violet, and purple spirals of energy.
In the place where the sun used to be, the moon rises. It shifts from new
to full, and back to new. Then the moon also is lost within the purple
spirals of light. It feels like I am a cell of energy moving into a
painting still being in process...or that I have found a void in which
everything upon the earth rests in limbo. Above me now, are both the sun
and the moon. All around me are clocks of all shapes and sizes....they
hang upon trees and they are encased in stone. The entire landscape is
surreal. I move closer to the clocks. On some, the hands turn clockwise,
clicking off the minutes with great speed. I step toward one, and I see
myself aging. I can feel my wrinkles forming. I step back quickly, feeling
my face...my beard.. reassuring myself that I am no older than I was
On some clocks, the hands spin counter-clockwise. I step toward them, and
I feel my energy growing. I feel younger, stronger, more vibrant. My skin
feels smooth, and my hand, as I hold it up to my face is soft and
childlike. I feel myself growing smaller, becoming a child again. I jump
back touching myself, and examining my hands, to make sure I am the 67
year old man I was before. Some of the clocks spin round and round never
stopping. Some seem not to move at all. As I look upon them, I see that
certain episodes of my life are shown in the face of each clock. Some
reflect the seasons of learning. Some reflect the patterns of
relationships. Some reflect moments of joy, and others reflect agonizing,
long minutes of sadness and worry. Some reflect scenes that are strange
and yet somehow familiar. Am I getting glimpses of past incarnations? I
begin to touch the clocks and, with my fingertips I force the hands to
move in unison. I guide the hands, slowing some down, and speeding others
up. As I do, a breath of fresh air blows softly on my face, acknowledging
a new harmony. I look around me. So many clocks!...so many rhythms...there
is so much to do...so many paintings to be done.. so much life to be
lived!. Then I realize that, as I learn to harmonize my rhythms with those
of the universe, I will have all the time in the world. The images of the
clocks fade, and the misty blue and purple spirals dance strongly. I turn
and see that the door which I entered is open again. I step through, aware
that time is open to me, and hoping it will stay that way for a while
longer. The door closes softly, closing off the spirals of energy. I can
now see that I truly entered the wheel of life.
I breathe deeply, I am totally relaxed. Wanted to record the experience.
I will sleep peacefully.
The dream.........I see myself at the top of a long white marble
staircase. It spirals gently down into a mist below. I am not afraid. In
fact I feel a sense of anticipation about that which I am going to
I begin to descent. With each step, I find myself to be more relaxed. It
feels good to step down this staircase. The further I descent the lighter
I seem to become. It is as if I am barely touching each step. Soon the
mist is all about me. It is beautiful and soothing, and I can't remember
ever feeling so light and loose. I'm literally floating down the stairs.
Below, I see the bottom of the stairwell. The mist begins to dissipate,
and very gently my feet touch the floor. I see that I am in a circular
room. Across the room from me is that old familiar large oak door that
appeared in my "To There And Back". I feel myself drawn to it. As I step
closer, below the engraved year "1833" on the top, I also see a name
engraved in a language that is foreign to me. I reach out gently with my
hand and trace the letters with my fingers.
As I do, I know that this is my name as it was at some other past
time I was here. The door opens inward, and blue and gold light streams
forth. It encircles me. It passes through me....it surrounds and embraces
me. It invites me across the threshold. I close my eyes and feel the joy
of the light. I open my eyes and step carefully through the open doorway.
The blue and gold light, gently fades, and I find myself in what looks
like an old store-house for an Art Gallery. Surrounding me are artifacts
from every part of the world. There are sculptures, and a lot of paintings
that look quite familiar to me as if I had painted them myself. Each and
everyone of these paintings tells a story. There are lots of books,
carvings, and articles of clothing. Every time period of what seems to be
like a past lifetime, is represented. I recognize some periods and
artifacts, but others are alien and confusing. The room is divided into
different sections, and each area reflects a specific time and place in
the history of the world.
A realization hits me as I look in the closest section. There are articles
of clothing that I recognize from childhood. There's that sweater my
mother had knitted.....here's my favorite toy!!
This is not a Gallery of the world,...this is a Gallery of my life. These
artifacts are the traces of the past, that help form the person that I am
now! With this realization, the Gallery darkens except for a small area to
my left. There, a divider, a free standing wall, is illuminated with a
flood light. As I step around to the front face of this wall, I see a life
size portrait hanging, in a large gold antique frame. The image in the
portrait is indistinct, but somehow I know that, when it shows itself, it
will be an image of myself. Then within my mind I hear a soft clear voice:
"This is the Gallery Of Your Life. Within it are the remnants of
everything and everyone in your past. Within this Gallery is all you will
ever need to uncover the rhythms of the past as they play within the
present. You can choose to see, or not to see, as you desire."
The voice stops, and I stare at the portrait. I take a few moments and
study it. I notice the clothes.....the colors. Suddenly I seem to know
about this person. I can feel when this person was happy or sad, although
the face reveals knowledge that I had forgotten. I touch the small brass
plate on the right-hand side on bottom of the frame. It is engraved with a
name of a place. It could be a city, a town, a country! As I raise my eyes
back to the face of the image in the portrait, I begin to see two other
images forming in the background. One is male and the other female. As I
study their faces I realize what their relationship was to me in that
life. I remember the emotions that were associated with them. As I realize
who these figures were in my past, their faces blur,...they become
indistinct, and finally disappear!.
There is so much that I still do not understand! There is so much yet to
figure out. There is so much to learn...so much to remember.
I turn toward the door. As I pause before it, I have a sense of conviction
that, this is my Gallery. The door will never close to me. I
can go through the threshold, back across the ages, and explore any other
lifetime that I choose, and as I remember the lessons of the past,...I
will be able to reshape my future.
I am relaxed, peaceful and filled with a new sense of wonder. As I ascend
the stairs lightly and easily through the mist, back to the here and now,
I take with me a newfound self realization...in an awakened life.
-----------THE DOMAIN OF THE SOUL....
Is the source of my personal awareness my body? No. From where then
does the source of my personal awareness arise from? The search for that
center of awareness is definitely what constitutes the spiritual journey,
and it manifests itself so clearly during a meditative state. As one moves
deeper and deeper into the location of this source from where the personal
awareness arises,...when you go back as far as you can,.. b i n g o! you
hit the source. When you literally step outside of space and time, you are
the "domain" of the soul. You have found where your soul resides, because
the soul is not in space and time. The mind is nothing but this...
space-time continuum. The mind is nothing but the "name" for events that
are occurring in space and time. It's the "black box" of the history of
your life that come in a picture form into your awareness. When you shut
down your mind, notice that you have no experience of space and time.
When we hit the sack at night, and the mind shuts down when we go to
sleep,...when we're in that deep dreamless state, notice that you don't
even know where you are. There is no body, no bed, no world. There is none
of this stuff, but you exist right? There is no
space and time when we're in that stage.
Even in a wakeful level of consciousness, when we're having the experience
of intense beauty, time-space drops away. Whenever we're having the
experience of love, time-space drops out, because these are no mind
experiences. That's beautiful....is it not? These are all experiences
outside of the mind, which is why you can never "fall in love" if you
approach love "rationally". That "rational
approach" is bound to destroy any love. How can you experience love with
That's why we call it "falling in love".
You fall out of the rational, because love is really...an irrational act!.
2:pm on a beautiful August day.
I'm sitting in Belmont Lake Park after my jog. This is my hangout here.
I'm retired. I'm an artist, and I get most of my inspiration right here. 3
Years ago, I had cancer of the prostate. I got rid of it. I was sitting on
this very same bench when I had a vision of Jesus.
"Paint me" he said...."I love you".
You love ME?...what did I ever do to deserve that?
"Nothing much" He said but..I love you anyway!
Gee...thanks my Lord....just for that I will paint you.
So,...I did. I titled it ...
"I am The Way". He was "The Way" to me in more
ways than one. He still IS.
He is LOVE and my cup...runneth over with it. He said He loved me..and He
-----------JUST ONE MORE PASSING SHOW....
This is a strategy that I have recently adopted into my own
life,..and I thought of passing it over to you also, because it really
works. It's a subtle reminder that everything--the good and bad, pleasure
and pain, approval and disapproval, achievements and mistakes,..rights and
wrongs--all come and go. Everything has a beginning and an ending,..and
that's the way it's supposed to be.
Every experience you have ever had is over. Every thought you've ever
had, started and finished. Every emotion and mood you've experienced has
been replaced by another. You've been happy, sad, jealous, depressed,
angry, in love, shamed, proud, and every other conceivable human feeling.
Where did they all go? The answer is, no one really knows. All we know is
that, eventually, everything disappears into nothingness. Welcoming this
truth into your life is the beginning of being liberated. Our
disappointment comes about in essentially two ways. When we're
experiencing pleasure, we want it to last forever. It never does. When
we're experiencing pain, we want it to go away now. It usually doesn't.
Unhappiness is the result of struggling against the natural flow of
experience. It's enormously helpful to experiment with the awareness that
life is just one thing after another. One present moment, followed by
another present moment. When something is happening that we enjoy, know
that while it's wonderful to experience the happiness it brings, it will
eventually be replaced by something else,..a different type of moment. If
that's okay with you, you'll feel peace even when the moment changes. And
experiencing some type of pain or displeasure, know that this too
shall pass. Nothing stays the same. Keeping this awareness close to your
heart is a good way to maintain perspective, even in the face of
adversity. It's not always easy,..but it is usually helpful.
-----------HOLDING ON TO POWER....
The Ego derives it's identity from the roles it plays as an
actor in it's world. One of it's primary motivations for playing these
roles is power. For these reasons it is essential that we become mindful
of where our attachment to power lies, in order to relieve the sense of
loss and suffering as we age. I personally tried to hold on to this power
more intensely since I had retired in 1995 and having removed myself from
main stream America.
It was a major change in my life and I still feel the residuals of
it's effect, but frankly, I would never trade my present mental and
emotional disposition with the one I had in the past. There is more
clarity in my life now than I ever had before, and in spite of the fact
that certain statistics proclaim older age as the beginning of mental
decline, I personally find exactly the contrary is
happening in my case. I find that the older I get, the sharper I get
in my mental output - at least - thus far, and I refuse to cling to
general statistics which claim otherwise.
There is a kind of "power" that does not give rise to fear. It is the
spiritual power which for some reason comes automatically as we age. Don't
look for it during your twenties or thirties, but expect it to knock on
your door and introduce itself when you hit your forties. Let it in and
make it feel at home, because it's the starting point of your "getting the
bigger picture" in your life, something you totally missed a little
earlier when you were too busy trying to make your physical life as
comfortable as possible with "acquisitions" and general material things.
Now , it's a different ball game altogether. Now you started thinking of
how effectively you will make it through your old age, complete with the
energies and mental powers which you had in your younger years,.. when
all you thought of what all your priorities were was "how to get more"
and pile it up, so you don't suffer with older age shortages, and you
measured power by criteria such as: how much money you have in the bank,
how many shares of stock you own, how physically attractive you are, how
much authority you wield over how many people, and how much you are in
control of your own destiny. But regardless of the object of attachment,
these "power signs, all contain the ability to entrap us. As we get older,
and the external proofs of power begin to slip away, we become aware of
the degree of our entrapment, and of the futility of trying to cling to
these worldly assurances.
As we begin to emphasize Soul power over wordly power, our perception
of the alterations brought on by aging changes proportionately. Trust me
on that. I would never trade my present age with any part of my previous
one. When the body begins to give one signs of declining from the vigour
of youth and starts to break down here and there, it makes up by enhancing
whatever intelligence one has in between his ears at the same time. We all
want to age with wisdom and peace...do we not?
I decided that I want to keep track of the way I feel on a daily
basis,.. both physically, and mentally, and witness the "changes"- if
any- from day to day, until I get to a point, where I would no longer
be able to physically or mentally be fit to continue with this "self
research", when 2 things may happen.
1. Being placed in a nursing home waiting for my turn to cross over to
the other side, and 2. There won't be any waiting, because I would already
be there. If and when I start getting demented, it will be recorded.
(Perhaps I already started being afflicted with ..dementia.. and don't
even realize it).
How do I feel today? Let's put it this way. I think I'll skip my plans
for skiing in the Adirondacks. Being that I'm sport minded, though, I have
serious thoughts of taking up "sky diving "..where...even if I'm already
struck with dementia ..and I.. forget to open the parachute ,..it would be
just fine with me! I just hope they find all the parts of my body, this
way I don't show up upstairs
being a ..half ass.
-----------THE TEACHERS IN OUR LIVES....
The way to the Big Picture, often is through seeing the problems
in your own life from different perspective, and seeing how difficult
other people have it. When you are wondering how troubled you are, look at
the old timers patience who's mind is slowly slipping away from them, and
they're even aware that is happening, and they don't know what to do about
it. When one sees things like that it gives one time to see the Big
We have to know that whatever comes our way, has a purpose in it, that
there is order and chaos, and underneath that chaos, you got to look for
that order,..you got to look for the blessing! One of the things you got
to learn is how to get off of pity, and feeling sorry for yourself, and
one of the ways to do that is to start focusing on doing something new,
doing something different, keeping yourself occupied. Experience more
compassion for yourself. I have a strong belief that, everyone that comes
into our life, ...from the stranger sitting next to us on the bus, to the
person driving next to us on the highway, to our children, to our wives
and parents and all that, they all come to us as teachers, and that the
key to being effective in awakening our lives, is to be students. To see
them all as someone to teach us, otherwise they wouldn't be there. Some of
these "teachers", come in our lives to test our ability to deal
with them effectively.....so as to provide us with a chance to evolve
ourselves, and in turn live an effective and happy life. Let us start
paying a little more attention to these "teachers".
-----------FINDING THE REAL YOU....
Self knowledge is elusive. Just when you believe you finally
know who you are, something surprises you. A strong emotional reaction
seems to come from out of nowhere. A forgotten part of yourself, pops up
in a dream. You find yourself thinking exactly the opposite of the way you
used to think about the same subject.
You are suddenly an enigma to yourself. The sheer complexity of the
human soul makes genuine self-knowledge a real accomplishment. You are a
jumble of attitudes, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors, in your many
sub-personalities that enter the "stage" of your reality whenever they
decide to take over the show. Caught up in all the competing demands of
life, it's hard to get the big picture of who you really are. One moment
you feel like you are a certain person with clearly defined values, plans,
and ways of acting in the world; an hour later you may feel like you are
someone else. Let us not feel embarrassed or inadequate
if we sometimes get confused about our identity. It goes with the
territory - especially if you are no longer in the mainstream of life,
having to hop in the car early in the morning, fight the traffic and
go to work to make the buck so you can pay your mortgage and put the food
on the table.
That's the human condition. Unless a person is self-realized and
somehow enlightened, he is only kidding himself to pretend that he never
experiences these moments of bewilderment...so whoever hasn't as yet
experienced this syndrome of not "knowing thyself" as much as you thought
you did,...expect it. It's around the corner, and it will make it's point
loud and clear.
-----------PERSONALITY, SUB PERSONALITIES
In self analysis at the age of 62, I can safely say that I
recognize-atleast-12 sub-personalities incorporated into my main
personality,-which is a highly significant step in discovering who I
really am, and which hopefully will lead to the discovery of my soul's
purpose in this lifetime. It is academic, that one's real identity is not
through one's personality. Our main personality is generally being shaped
by our parents, our schools, teachers, religious institutions, and the
general culture we live.
The "personality" is what we want people to know us as. It is a
mask we put on daily to interact with society. The personality's sense of
identity, shifts frequently in the course of a day, with
sub-personalities. Each sub-personality, has it's own set of habitual ways
of thinking, feeling, and acting. Each one also thinks of itself as "the
whole show", whenever it is on stage. Each sub-personality may try to be
sincere, but because of the constantly shifting sense of which "I" we are,
it is difficult for us to be consistent in life. However, our
INDIVIDUALITY is who we really are. One's personality becomes a critical
obstacle to one's individuality, because it covers the real "you". First,
it is to deeply realize what is going on. It is to clearly see the nature
of your many sub-personalities, and how they control you in a mechanical
way. Such recognition, is the first step toward liberating ourselves from
the negative effects of our sub-personalities' actions that may interfere
with our pursue of happiness. In the constitution of my own personality I
can identify with the following sub-personalities:
1. The "Self critical" sub.
This one usually involves self criticism, and more often than not,
self condemnation. Negative and/or unpleasant events that occurred in the
past, where another sub-personality of mine had acted irrationally toward
a person-often a loved one-.
If the contributing events are not cleared and resolved soon after
they occur, it plunges me into a vortex of regret and self condemnation,
causing feelings of negativity and unjust behavior. Melancholy and sadness
set in for the duration of not achieving corrected positive results.
(In other words, I...stew in my own juice)!.
2. The "irritable" sub, where everyone is criticized during daily
activities.(It causes feelings of irritability, and this one is usually
a bi-product of the first sub). This normally is of a brief duration,
but it is positively a deterrent to my beliefs of "acceptance".
3. The "spiritual seeker" sub., where I fall into a fit of reading,
and examining spirituality, for the purpose of enhancing
self-improving attitudes. (A very pleasant and desirable
sub-personality, and incredibly satisfying). It is always a joy whenever
it takes over the show!.
4. The "impatient sub"
Being overwhelmed with eagerness to achieve immediate ,-tailor made-
results to my needs. This one creeps up when I least expect it, in spite
of my rhetoric that patience is a virtue. (The supreme test of self
improving attitudes, when one discovers certain handicaps that do not work
for one, is to remember to correct these handicaps immediately as the
situation arises, and apply self restrain right there and then.
Remembering later, the damage is already done, and one simply misses the
chance to apply whatever spiritualistic disciplines one has evolved with
over the years. Remembering to "kick in" one's self improving theories, at
the time of the challenge, is indeed a challenge in itself.
5. The "withdrawing" sub, where I avoid interacting with people and
are overly concerned with my own internal world.(This does not necessarily
have to be subsequent to having any major problems or internal conflicts.
I just want to be left in my own company,...I enjoy my own company, it has
nothing to do with whatever someone did or said,.. I'm merely self
recharging, and re-aligning my "psyche". I do not consider this to be a
negative sub. I think I need it, and consider it as a spring board to my
overall wellness. This is normally of brief duration--unless I'm loaded
with negative events and happenings in my personal life. If so, this
sub-personality is of a more extended duration.
6. The " I love everybody" sub.
Where I just simply do that!. I want to interact with everyone, and
express feelings of love and compassion, for people, animals, insects,
nature,.. everything!! (Even my ex-wives!.. everyone is forgiven, and
loved unconditionally. I have an incredible capacity of tolerance and
understanding, and I'm happy to be alive. The world is simply beautiful!.
Most of my inspirations and successful
paintings are happening when this sub takes over. I simply wish it
comes and stays with me for very long durations,--and it usually does--.
7. The "Self observing" sub-personality, --which is just what I'm
doing now--. I just step aside, and examine myself as a whole person. I
examine the essence of my being. Who I am, what I am, why "I am", and..
what am I doing here. What is exactly my individuality, minus all my
sub-personalities? And if I did find out, would I be getting a glimpse of
my soul? Would I ever get to know the real "me" while I'm still in my
physical body in this lifetime?...or would this be a "bonus" or a reward
for when I encounter that white light at the end of the tunnel, and my
whole life will be revealed to me in a play back fashion, and see, and
feel, all of the "rights" and "wrongs" I did? Will all my questions be
answered then? Will I ever know,.. instead of just hope and believe?
8. The "creative sub"., where I fall into an overwhelming desire to
paint, and usually keep on painting ignoring time, eating timetables,
and/or breaks. I just get intoxicated with the smell of turp. and oils,
and everything else is secondary. This sub comes in conjunction with
the.." I love everybody" sub. I love it! It is definitely an outburst of
my higher self, and I'm convinced that it came with me from previous
9. The "ego boasting" sub.
Here we have a sub-personality that overruns humility. The.." I have a
superior intelligence" sub. The.." I'm holier than thou" ...and the.. "you
can't tell me anything I don't already know baby...I'm "all that you
know"! This sub is usually expelled on the spot, when I realize that it
tries to hold foot. It is actually what it is trying to overrun that
overruns it. Humility !
10. The "sexual personality". The core of intimate self expression
that everyone values to the max. The biological identity that emotions and
all other sub-personalities revolve around. (I very often thought of
myself of possessing an over dose of this thing, and I would like to carry
it until the age of 103). This is quite a troublesome sub at times, but
I'd never think of leaving home without it, or making any changes. I'll
take it as is. .for as long as I can!.
11. The "humorous" sub.
This is undoubtedly my favorite. Whenever it takes over the show, the
most insignificant aspect of life is funny. The whole world is
hilarious....how could I ever think of being sad.. or sweat the small
stuff? Life is all small stuff!. I laugh at my own jokes, and even in the
middle of my sleep something funny wakes me up, and I just.. crack up. I
crack myself up back to sleep,.. hoping that whatever it was that woke me
up laughing,.. continues to entertain me further. I want this sub on a
daily basis. It's like looking at the world from the view point of stand
up comedy. It is certainly self propelling and rewarding. I can never
imagine a life without humor!.
12. The "I want to be left alone" sub.
Here, I'm overcome with an intense desire to be totally left alone, to
indulge in self analysis, self re-appraisal, and dig into past, present,
and future scenarios, and get in touch with deeper thoughts and feelings.
I usually emerge fresh and renewed after it's conclusion.
Yesss...I'm still sane after all!!!
-----------STEPPING BACK INTO THE PAST
Today, we had an extraordinary experience when
we visited the home of Harry and Caroline Guggenheim, (The Guggenheim
Castle Estates), and took a glimpse of an elegant past of Long Island's
Gold Coast Era.
We had driven to Sands Point Preserve early in
the afternoon, parked the car at the Castlegould estate museum's parking
lot, stepped into a bus and took the guided tour.
The guide was a well spoken elderly
lady,...short snow-white hair,.. with a name tag of "Jeanne Neumann", who
reminded me a lot of Katherine Hepburn in both, her speech and
mannerisms,..complete with the Alzheimer's shaking of the head.
She must have been well into her late seventies
~ if not somewhat older, she had an air of
distinction about her, and she looked as if she was one of the characters
of the long gone past, that graced the mansion she was describing.<p> I
was totally fascinated by her.
The year was 1910, and we are now at the "Falaise"
(Cliff in French)..the majestic castle-like home of the Guggenheims which
was overlooking the breathtaking view of Long Island Sound.
For someone who's imagination can actually
transport him to that epoch, the experience was immensely exciting.
As you enter, you gaze at the imposing vaulted
ceiling, and imagine the grand lifestyle of this Gold Coast estate,..which
reveals a taste of extravagance.
Decorative features of stained and leaded
glass,..red velvet draperies,..Flemish tapestries,...artwork by Rembrandt,
Van Dyck, and Rubens,...hand tooled leather wall coverings, and carved oak
woodwork from a 17th century Spanish Palace.
Medieval banners hung on the walls,..and in the
main living room, a huge fireplace with two very comfortable looking
couches facing each other separated by an unusual in design coffee
table,...with two ashtrays, which gave evidence that the Guggenheims were
Family photos graced an oak table next to the
wall. Among them the unmistakable photo of Charles Lindburgh in his flight
suit, who - we were told, was a very close family friend.
The hour long tour, felt a lot longer to
me,...and as we got back into the bus, I felt that I had ~for at least an
hour, stepped back in time and took a glimpse of an elegant past.
-----------THIS PLAY CALLED "LIFE"
There is the act of doing,..and there is the you..the
witness...always being the observer, who is watching yourself going
through the motions. When you begin to cultivate the witness, which is one
of the keys to higher awareness, if you become that witness, and place
your attention where you want to be, rather than what you have always
done, you can see yourself shifting, and be able to do anything you want
You are not your relationships. You are something that is
observing the relationship...someone that is in a relationship,..but you
are not the relationship itself,...which means that when a relationship
fails,..it does not make you a failure.
You are uniquely the "observer",..not who you relate to, or who
you are in a particular relationship within any given moment.
It is like a great play in which we are all a part of..and there
are some entrances,..and there are some exits. Some people are in for some
very short parts, and some have very long roles to play in this play of
It is like a dream. Whatever characters you need for the dream
YOU create,..then when you wake up,..you don't get mad at the characters
of your dream. The same thing you do with this dream of LIFE. Whatever
characters you need to act out this play of life, you create,..but that is
not who you are. Other things you are not,...you are not an "American" you
are not a "Caucasian" you are not a "Christian" or a Budhist,...you are
that which is an eternal,..you are a devine extension of God,..you are
changeless,..and you are also here in this particular country, practicing
this particular religion, with this particular color of body, with
different facial and physical characteristics,..but who you actually are,
is something independent of all that,..something that is observing all
that, and there is nothing about you and your racial or ethnic or
citizenship qualities or characteristics that make you better than
everybody else on this planet you found yourself on.
Your body is just a garage where you park your soul for a little
while. Pleasure and pain are aspects of the mind. Only our essential
nature is happiness.
It is that wrong perception of your identity that gives rise to
misery. Some of the things of the past we MUST let go! We shouldn't be
just the dancer any more,..but the choreographer, as well as the
dancer...and we better enjoy that dance,..as the curtain of life's play
will soon drop..and we must,..like a good actor, do the last bow with
grace before that curtain falls.
It may be the end of your physical body this time around,..but it
will certainly be a rebirth for the real you. Your eternal soul.